What Not to Wear When Traveling Through Time
Guest post by J.L. Bryan
When the conversation turns to time travel, as it so often does, you’ll hear a lot of blather about the risks and dangers. Everyone talks about the risk of universe-destroying paradoxes, but little attention is giving to the risk of universe-destroying fashion decisions.
Don’t fear! We’ve put together this handy guide to what to wear (and not wear!) on your next time-travel escapade.
DON’T wear high heels. If you’re traveling into the past, you may have to escape Nazis or rabid cavemen. In the future, watch out for killer cyborgs and radioactive mutants! Whatever your destination, be prepared to run for your life. We recommend comfortable, well-worn running shoes, with combat boots as a useful second option. If you’re attending a formal event in another century, simply pack those high heels in your carry-on luggage. If you must have high heels, pick the stilettos, as they can double as a handy weapon.
DON’T dress in a silver bodysuit with a clear bubble helmet, especially with antennae on top. People will mistake you for a 1950s-era space alien rather than a time traveler, leading to a variety of potential problems: quarantine, imprisonment, military attack, being a guest on The Today Show, and other horrific outcomes. Dress in a low-key fashion, and save the aluminum-foil outfit for another occasion...or, actually, just throw it away. That silver bodysuit doesn’t go well with your hair.
DON’T wear ankle-length dresses, tight corsets, or other binding clothes. Again, you may need to fight or flee for survival, so jeans or slacks might be your best bet. Short skirts are both alluring and provide ample kicking radius, in case you need to kick in a face or two.
DON’T clash with the time and place you’re visiting. Skinny jeans, for instance, are huge no-no in the Puritan era. That cute cami top may be both comfortable and casually sexy, but if you wear it in Victorian England, you’ll stick out like a sore thumb from another century...a thumb full of licentiousness and sin.
Learn before you get burned! Always study the correct attire and customs of your destination before you travel in time. For help, contact your local vintage thrift shop and/or Halloween store. Remember: the right look at the right time is the right way to go. And you can quote us on that.
If you have additional fashion tips for time travelers, please share in the comments below!
